Sleepless nights
Category: Conversations, Relations
It’s exactly 4:44 am.
The trouble with sleeping early is waking up at what should be an ungodly hour. The only sounds I hear are the hum of the fridge, the tick tock of a tiny pendulum clock, and the creaks of mom’s bed as she changes her position, unable to sleep.
This sadness is overwhelming.
My brother’s door opens, the old wood protesting loudly against the worn tiles. He moves past me and towards the bathroom. A few minutes later, he heads my way and rests a warm hand on my shoulder.
“You’re awake.”
“I know.”
“You were asleep.”
“I woke up.”
“Go back to sleep.”, he says as he walks away, back into his room.
—
It’s now 5:05 am.
The echoes of his voice still resound in my head.
If it were only that easy, I think.
Of a curious nature
Category: Oddity, Relations
A few days ago, I met made a new friend online. While we were chatting, I found an uncanny similarity between her and me. In this community, I only know maybe two three Muslim web designers (Leo, Mika, Asha) and barely any Indians. But not only is she a designer, she’s also around my age group, Muslim and Indian. We both share a like for henna, have lived/or live in the same neighborhood, aspire for the same profession, and have the same number of siblings and sibling hierarchy. Even her birthday is a day away from mine.
And this was not where I offered information and she reiterated. In fact, it was the other way around. I had long stopped saying “Ooo me too” because it sounded fake even to me despite the fact that it was the truth.
And while I love being able to relate, I don’t know if I should find this amazing or a little freaky. Can there really be complete strangers out there who are so similar to you in not just hobbies or likes, but in things that neither can control?
Haze.
Category: Angst/Anguish, Relations
Another night slips by, precious hours lost. I continue to push myself to seemingly new limits; a cruel test of endurance. Self-inflicted. The reasons are not reasons, but excuses that won’t ever justify. Screwed up is my circadian rhythm, has been for a while.
I’m tired of keeping it together, of rearranging my features in attempts to appear, act, behave and talk normally. So tired. It would be easier if I really was the someone they believe me to be: so carefully put together and delicately balanced. Robotic, you mean.
This masquerade has proved it’s worth and fooled many. As much as I want release, I know I can’t. Maybe later. I just need to last a little longer.
For the smile.
Expectations
Category: Rants, Relations
I’m just a normal average student. A normal average student who got her score. A normal average student who got her score and would’ve been okay with it if the people who mean the most to her weren’t disappointed with it. I know they are. My parents, I mean. They’re trying hard not to show it. Their expectations are so high. Everyone’s are.
But I killed them. And I feel like I might have just failed. To roughly quote my dad –
“It’s not bad. Who knows.. in your clinical exam you may get a 99, something”
It’s what he said and the way he said it. Expectations. I hate having to disappoint people if I don’t live up to them. I hate creating the impression that I may live up to them. I just want to be a normal student. Not an overachiever, not a super-smart person, no matter how nice that would be. Just normal.