Keeping a secret secret.
Category: Philosophy, Secrets, Walk of life
There are some things that have happened around you, or things that people have told you or you yourself have experienced or known. Major things, that could change someone else’s impression of someone else. Things you vow never to tell anyone because they are so personal or possibly unrelated and unnecessary to the person you’re talking to. Or because it was just something only you knew.
And there are times when a situation presents itself a great opportunity to reveal that little something. And you hesitate, not sure if you should or not.
You don’t.
But on some days, you let it out without warning with maybe just a slight bit of pre-thought that goes along the lines of “Oh, it’s okay to say this now”. Almost immediately (or much later), you regret it. Because it was once just between you and yourself and that knowledge was comforting.
You wouldn’t and don’t want them to repeat it to anyone else.
And when you realize this, it’s a little too late because the discussion is over. And because you run the risk of reminding them of it when they’ve possibly forgotten it.
It was over two years ago and we were close. We still are, actually. Maybe they remember, maybe they don’t. But maybe they do - it was something not so trivial. Regardless of the time span, it still makes me uncomfortable that they may know that part of me…
Defense Mechanism
Category: Philosophy
The scary thing about not wanting to care or think about something is getting used to that way of approach. It’s turns into a habit; one that molds itself into your personality so much so that when situations arise that demand an emotional reaction - you find yourself with none.
The scary thing about choosing not to feel and hence protected by the reasoning that if you did not care then you would not be affected is - you forget how — so much so that you often wish that there was a way to stab, crush or brutally disfigure that unfeeling heart in order to feel pain just so that you know it can.
The scary thing about neglect is that the more it’s encouraged, the deeper you dig your hole — so much so that when the time comes for you to be responsible, you realize that you can’t find your way back to the surface - not because you don’t want to, but because it’s too far away.
And by far, the scariest of them all is being acutely aware of said faults yet seeking no means to correct them; that what was once an innocent defense mechanism is now your first line scapegoat.
Geez.
Category: Angst/Anguish, Philosophy, Relations
I’m walking on thin ice. I have to watch everything I say. Don’t know where a fuse will burst. Don’t know who I’ll upset or who next I’ll offend. Maybe it’s better to say nothing at all? But that only gives you an excuse to call me uncaring.
I’m ignoring that voice. I try not to but I tune it out sometimes. I’m sure you’ve heard it before. It’s the one that tells you that this is not right. And here I am, telling other people what they should do. What gives me that right?
And how do I know who to trust? People change, yes. There’s always three sides to a story. I’ll give you a benefit of a doubt the first and the second time. Hell, even the third. But I don’t see how that makes me foolish or naive. I do know better. It’s just me. I’m not asking you to understand.
I love not knowing. I rather not know; that way nothing can be too sure. I won’t need to make a decision and to me, it’s relieving. But you? You think it’s an act of cowardice. I’m not asking you to understand that either.
And as to how I expect people to like me? Maybe I don’t. Maybe I honestly think they’re better off not. That doesn’t mean that I don’t care. My mistakes are just that. Mistakes. So why am I not allowed to make them?
There’s that voice again, it’s not leaving me alone. And honestly? I’m not sure if I want it gone. It gives me hope.
Sadist? Surely you jest.
Category: Philosophy, Ramblings
My sister pushed me off the bed.
I hurt my knee.
I cried.
It felt good.
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