Because evil tempts
Category: Angst/Anguish, Islam
I’m doing something wrong. Something very wrong. I should stop but I keep going back to it. I know the consequences it holds, and I still go back to it. Like a broken record, like an idiot.
I make resolutions, I decide to turn over a new leaf. Months later, my resolve breaks. I repent, regret and vow never to do it again. Over and over, time and time again.
And I think, am I really this weak?
I need to stop this. I need… Him. I need His help. I need Him to help me. If He wills. And I need to make an effort to make the change myself. Asking Him for help is one thing. But it’s no use if I just sit there and wait for it to come. I’d have to work towards it, and if He wills it’ll happen. It must be a test of some kind.
The first step is to admit you have a problem. This is mine.
Haze.
Category: Angst/Anguish, Relations
Another night slips by, precious hours lost. I continue to push myself to seemingly new limits; a cruel test of endurance. Self-inflicted. The reasons are not reasons, but excuses that won’t ever justify. Screwed up is my circadian rhythm, has been for a while.
I’m tired of keeping it together, of rearranging my features in attempts to appear, act, behave and talk normally. So tired. It would be easier if I really was the someone they believe me to be: so carefully put together and delicately balanced. Robotic, you mean.
This masquerade has proved it’s worth and fooled many. As much as I want release, I know I can’t. Maybe later. I just need to last a little longer.
For the smile.
If not now, then never.
Category: Angst/Anguish
When angry, I stay silent.
But my mind… no never my mind. It will be in chaos: defending me, yelling on my behalf - at my offender and then soothing me and telling me to calm down and not take it to heart.
“Suck it up Asma, it could be worse.”
A familiar mantra.
And just like that, the words so carefully thought out - intending to hurt and inflict pain - never leave my mouth.
Geez.
Category: Angst/Anguish, Philosophy, Relations
I’m walking on thin ice. I have to watch everything I say. Don’t know where a fuse will burst. Don’t know who I’ll upset or who next I’ll offend. Maybe it’s better to say nothing at all? But that only gives you an excuse to call me uncaring.
I’m ignoring that voice. I try not to but I tune it out sometimes. I’m sure you’ve heard it before. It’s the one that tells you that this is not right. And here I am, telling other people what they should do. What gives me that right?
And how do I know who to trust? People change, yes. There’s always three sides to a story. I’ll give you a benefit of a doubt the first and the second time. Hell, even the third. But I don’t see how that makes me foolish or naive. I do know better. It’s just me. I’m not asking you to understand.
I love not knowing. I rather not know; that way nothing can be too sure. I won’t need to make a decision and to me, it’s relieving. But you? You think it’s an act of cowardice. I’m not asking you to understand that either.
And as to how I expect people to like me? Maybe I don’t. Maybe I honestly think they’re better off not. That doesn’t mean that I don’t care. My mistakes are just that. Mistakes. So why am I not allowed to make them?
There’s that voice again, it’s not leaving me alone. And honestly? I’m not sure if I want it gone. It gives me hope.